Tag Archives: reflection

Starting From Scratch, Again

Every so often I’m reminded that the written word isn’t dead, and that the medium can convey in a timeless fashion when others fall short or don’t seem appropriate. Every time I’m semi-inspired to pick up this blog, a project I thought I would maintain regularly throughout my life.

This time, it was actually two pieces that made me miss writing. One, Tim Aten’s GP Minnesota Non-report, where he goes over basically everything that happened away from the tables at GP Minnesota. And two, Matthew Berry’s final Love/Hate piece for ESPN, where I read maybe 5,000 words of storytelling before sorta just skimming the football analysis.

In both works above, the thing that really tugged at me was how they both sought to be informative(though Tim’s was decidedly NOT a strategy article), but incorporated events from their own life that were secondary or even just barely related to create a narrative that accompanied the meat and potatoes.

Even though not everything I’ve written was informative, all my best stuff were heavily inspired by actual events, if not straight re-tellings.

So here I am, trying to get the rust off, and deciding what to even write about. I guess this can just be a catch up post. A lot has happened since I was a regular writer.

I suppose the ‘real life’ stuff should come first.

I got married, bought a house, had a kid, got divorced, sold the house, still have the kiddo half the time. During that time I worked a job that demanded all of my effort, and was too tired when I got home to do any real content creation. Since the rest of my life fell apart, I figured I never liked that job much anyway, and so I quit. I have basically time-traveled back about six years. I work part time at a game store, and I live in the same apartment complex I did then.

Coincidentally, six years ago was my last Pro Tour, which outside a short descriptive essay about the hooker hotel I stayed in, I did not write about because I was sick and went winless, going back my crummy room long before I was out of contention. After that, I 0-3’d a Grand Prix after having won a GPT, and that was basically the end of my Magic career. I did get to shake David Williams’ hand though. It was incredibly soft for those wondering.

My life has been mostly downhill since. As stated above, I decided to really commit to some non-gaming projects, and save one they all ended in disaster. The last thing to go was my job, and I’ve spent the summer draining anything I had socked away in an effort to recalibrate my life, but I think I’m looking at things the wrong way. I keep looking for some magical event that will fix everything.

See, I’ve been unhappy for a long time. It’s just who I am, and the depth of that is a topic for another time, maybe never. But being a competitive gamer helped cope with it because of the highs and lows involved. When I got a positive outcome at an event, even a local one, I was able to feel pretty good about myself for a while. The magnitude of the win correlated with how long I felt alright. When I lost, sure I felt bad, but not too much worse than my neutral state. This went on for maybe a dozen years, until I left competitive gaming, and tried to play just for enjoyment.

It didn’t work.

In six years, I’ve developed some bad habits trying to get away from my neutral state. I’ve spent many nights drinking and playing meaningless games against faceless opponents to try and recapture how I used to feel, but it’s unhealthy, and a waste of time really. I never woke up the next day feeling any better about anything.

That’s sort of where I am mentally. Yeah, it seems worse when it’s all written out like that.

I have a few embers burning that might end up being something though, something to pour myself into, something I can believe in.

I have a Hearthstone podcast called Brewmasters. We’ve been going strong for a while now, and it’s a decent listen.

I have a Twitch channel that I could maybe make into something.

The store I work at is awesome, and is great for me especially.

I love my son more than anything in the world. He IS my world, and speaking of that, my world wants to go to the pool.

See you around.

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